Grief As a Burden to Others: What if It’s a Gift Instead?

In this season of gratitude and celebration, it can be easy to feel like our grief is a burden that no one wants.

When you consider sharing your grief with others, you may find yourself thinking things like this:

Bringing it up would be such a downer.

I feel like a burden.

I don’t want to upset anyone.

I’m not good company.

We convince ourselves that the best thing to do with our grief is to keep it tucked away, especially during social events, holidays, and other spaces where our grief feels out of place.

If you’re feeling this way, it’s understandable. 

There are also two things I might ask you to consider. . . . 

Do you really believe that your grief is a burden, or are you actually afraid of what might happen if you share? 

Many grievers know the pain of feeling misunderstood and unseen in their grief. When people don’t respond in the way that we need, it can be such a painful experience that we convince ourselves that no one understands. We put up walls around our grief—and label it as a burden to others—as a way to protect ourselves.

Ask yourself honestly if this might be the case for you. Did someone hurt you with their response to your grief, and now you feel afraid to share it? Have you put up a wall out of fear of being hurt? Are you making assumptions about how people will respond without any real evidence that they will feel burdened?

Imagine yourself sitting face to face with a trusted person in your life; someone who you believe can meet you with understanding and compassion. See yourself sharing some of your feelings with them, and imagine how they might respond—their words, their body posture, their expression. As you imagine yourself sharing with them, does their response communicate that they are feeling burdened? What do you notice about how it feels to share? How might that change how you feel about being more open with your grief, especially with someone that you trust?

A second thing to consider. . . 

What if, instead of being a burden, sharing your grief might be a gift?

Almost everyone feels alone in their grief at some point. In many ways, this is a result of societal and cultural messages telling us that our grief is unwelcome, which keeps us from sharing our pain.

And yet, all of us know the pain of loss in one form or another. No one escapes this life without loss. We all walk around with our own secret griefs, feeling like no one wants our pain and no one understands.

It takes courage to be the one to bring grief to the table, and yet. . . what might happen if you did? What if sharing your grief might feel like a sigh of relief to someone else? What if it gives others permission to express their own pain? What if it gives a friend an opportunity to see and support you when they’ve been wanting to show up for you, but haven’t known how?

A few years ago, several people sent me this video. It’s of Andy Grammer talking about how he leans into his grief and how he honors his mother’s memory by sharing his loss with strangers. I encourage you to watch and see what can happen when you bring your grief out into the open.

Not everyone is going to be the right person to understand your loss, but that doesn’t mean it’s a burden to be hidden away. You have the right to share or not share, but if you’ve convinced yourself that your grief is a burden to others, pay attention to what walls you may have built—and consider what could happen if you let them down.

As always, take gentle care of yourself.