Grieving Through The Holiday Season

Written By Jenn Oglesbee
Evergreen branches, including a stem with red berries, against a white background

As we find ourselves careening headfirst into the start of the holiday season, I invite you to take a pause—a pause that recognizes the tenderness of this season and all that it may bring up for you.

This may not be the holiday season you wanted, or the one you imagined. You may feel anxiety, sadness, or fear just thinking about the weeks that lie ahead. You may feel completely lost as to how this is going to feel, or how you’re going to get through it, or if you even want to acknowledge it all.

This is understandable, and you’re not alone in your feelings. Feeling anxious or unsure about how to manage the holiday season is a common experience for people who are grieving.

Below, I share some reflections and recommendations for how to manage the holidays this year. Further down, you’ll see links to additional free or low-cost resources where you might find more support.

If you’re grieving this holiday season, here are some ways to cope:

Make a plan that feels right for you, and give yourself permission to change it. Lean into what you think you might need, and know that once you get there, you may feel differently. Give yourself permission to change plans, to do something different, and to turn your yes into a no (or your no into a yes).

Continue old traditions, make new ones, or skip the holidays altogether. It may feel good to do the things that you’ve always done, and to do so in memory of the ones you are missing. It may also feel too painful to do that, and you may decide to do something entirely new. Either (or both) are okay, and what you choose to do this year doesn’t mean you can’t do something different next year.

Lean into and out of your grief as much as you need. It can be easy to feel guilty when you’re celebrating and enjoying yourself, but the truth is that you simply can’t be 100% present to your grief all of the time. It’s okay if you want to lean out for a bit and enjoy the holidays. It’s also okay if you aren’t feeling celebratory at all.

When you can, live in the “and.” Grief and gratitude, pain and joy, confusion and certainty, despair and hope can all coexist. Our hearts are capable of holding multiple truths, and it’s okay to live into the complexity of that.

Grieve your own way while honoring others’ ways of grieving. Different styles of grieving can lead to isolation and conflict when multiple people are grieving the same loss in different ways. You’re allowed to express (or not express) your grief in your own way, and remember that just because someone else’s grief doesn’t look like yours doesn’t mean they don’t share your pain.

Create safety for yourself. Think about who or what helps you feel safe and calm, and have that space available or that person on call if you need to step away. If things become too much, where can you retreat to? If you need a friend, who can you have on call? If you need soothing, how can you offer yourself comfort?

You aren't doing this wrong. Living with grief is one giant experiment in being present to how you’re feeling, honoring whatever comes up, and leaning into whatever makes it all just a little more bearable. Be gentle with yourself. 


Please see below for additional reading and events; I do my best to share resources from sources I know and trust. As I become aware of other live events or online gatherings throughout the season, I’ll share them in future newsletters.

Jenn Oglesbee
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